Forgiving your father

You have thought about him more than you would like to admit. The things he said. The things he did, or did not do. The years you spent trying to earn something he never handed over. And now someone, maybe a pastor, maybe a verse, is asking you to forgive him, and something in you tightens like a fist.

Here is the heart of it. Forgiving your father does not mean saying what he did was all right. It does not mean forgetting, and it does not mean you must go back into a house that hurt you. It means laying down your right to collect on the debt, and handing that debt to the Father who forgave you first. You can do that as a decision, slowly, before you feel it, and God will meet you in the doing.

What forgiveness is not

Much of the fear around forgiveness comes from confusing it with things it is not.

It is not excusing. Forgiveness does not say it was not that bad, or he did his best, or you are overreacting. Forgiveness says it was wrong, and names the wrong, and then releases the wrong to God. You cannot forgive what you refuse to call a sin.

It is not forgetting. God may soften the memories over time, but forgiveness does not require that you erase them, and you should not pretend to.

It is not necessarily reconciling. Reconciliation takes two people and takes trust, and trust is rebuilt by the person who broke it, not demanded by him. You can forgive a man completely and still keep your distance from him if he has not changed.

It is not being unsafe. If your father was violent, or abused you in any way, forgiveness never means putting yourself or your children back in his reach. If you are in danger from him now, please call a crisis line or your local emergency number. The Help now page has real numbers. If old wounds from him have you thinking about ending your life, please call tonight. The Father who is asking you to forgive is not asking you to be harmed.

Seventy-seven times

Peter once came to Jesus with a question that sounded generous. Rabbis of the day taught forgiving three times. Peter more than doubled it.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not just seven times, but seventy-seven times!

Matthew 18:21–22

Jesus was not giving Peter a bigger number to count to. He was telling him to stop counting. Then He told a story about a servant forgiven a debt he could never repay, who went out and seized a fellow servant over a small one (Matthew 18:23–35). The point is not that your father’s sin is small. The point is that your own debt before God was enormous, and it has been cancelled.

That is where forgiveness gets its strength. Not from your father deserving it, but from you having received it.

He forgave you first

Paul writes to the Ephesians about bitterness and anger, and then he tells them why they can put it down.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, outcry and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and tenderhearted to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ God forgave you.

Ephesians 4:31–32

Just as in Christ God forgave you. Everything you are asked to do toward your father has already been done toward you, at a far greater cost. Before you were sorry, before you had made anything right, the Father sent His Son to die for your sins and then adopted you into His family. If that is true, forgiveness is not a heavy thing He is loading onto you. It is a thing He is inviting you to pass along.

Paul says nearly the same thing to the Colossians.

Bear with one another and forgive any complaint you may have against someone else. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Colossians 3:13

Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Notice the order. God’s forgiveness came first, and yours is a response. You are not forgiving your father in order to be forgiven. You are forgiving because you already are.

Vengeance belongs to God, and that is a relief

One reason forgiveness feels impossible is that it seems to mean he gets away with it. Paul answers that directly.

Do not avenge yourselves, beloved, but leave room for God’s wrath. For it is written: “Vengeance is Mine; I will repay, says the Lord.”

Romans 12:19

This is not a threat. It is a burden lifted. You are not the judge of your father. You never were. The One who saw every closed door and every raised voice is the Judge, and He will deal with it perfectly, either at the cross, if your father comes to Christ, or on the last day. You can put the gavel down. It was never yours to hold, and holding it has been breaking your hand.

Forgiveness is a road, not a switch

Many people wait to forgive until they feel forgiving. They may wait forever. Forgiveness usually begins as a decision spoken to God, and the feelings follow much later, sometimes years later, in pieces.

So you may need to pray it before it is true in your chest. That is not hypocrisy. It is faith. You say to the Father, I choose to release this debt, and then tomorrow the old anger comes back and you say it again. Each time is real. Each time is a step further down the road.

If your father has died, the road is still open. Forgiveness is between you and God first, and it does not need his ears. Some people write him a letter that they never send, naming what he did and then, at the end, releasing it. Some go to the grave and say it out loud. The Father hears both.

If he is alive and asks for forgiveness, you may find it easier. If he is alive and never asks, you can still forgive him, because your forgiveness was never a payment for his apology.

Where to start this week

Take a piece of paper and write down what he did, plainly, without softening it and without swelling it. Then, next to each thing, write the words: I release this to God. Read the list to the Father. You may only get through one line. That is enough for tonight.

Then pray something like this:

If your father was harmful, do this with someone alongside you: a pastor, an older believer, or a counselor. Forgiveness is not meant to be carried alone, and it does not need to be rushed.

The Father who ran

The clearest picture of forgiveness in the Bible is a father, not a son. In Luke 15 a father is wronged, publicly shamed, and left waiting, and when the boy finally comes home the father runs to him. There is a whole article on that father. Read it when you are ready, because it is a picture of what has been done for you.

Keep praying the release, one day at a time. Keep Ephesians 4 near you. And bring this to a local church where the Bible is opened and people know how to sit with a hard story. The debt is being handed over, and the Father is glad to take it.